First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.