[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
car not found
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.