Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
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Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
@funTweeters I am at your service….
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.