Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
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my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.