I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
You Might Also Like
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
scared to check what name she chose
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
rapatouille
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
listen closely
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*