Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor