I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did