perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“