Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
You Might Also Like
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.