I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos