I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.