Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire