Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
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I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*