My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Well, shit
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”