Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
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[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”