You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
what it’s like dating me:
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.