Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
new year update: losing everything but weight
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me