my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
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its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My kitchen overserved me.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.