My kitchen overserved me.
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.