the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u