always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me