Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic