Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You Might Also Like
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*