welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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Hotels are back
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.