[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.