I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.