Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
thank god the sign was there
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!