thank god the sign was there
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if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The Friday File.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Happy Caturday!
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Wait for it
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50