Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!