Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
this has done me in for some reason
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.