[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
You Might Also Like
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter