It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.