I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really