Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
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I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Money is the root of all wealth
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
pizza
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao