Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.