Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
cause of death:
autopsy.