I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection