her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Bike for sale
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
same bro
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.