Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.