Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
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What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Breaking news:
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…