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I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.