Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.