cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”