Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Every damn time
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.