Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Cndnsd Mlk
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?