I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”