me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!