I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
#ParentingFacts
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.