<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
You Might Also Like
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?