Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

Xylophonist Shredding It

I’m ready for Halloween this year

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.