<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Siri, fight Alexa.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.