Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Sending in my taxes
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.