Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
All set.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party