Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too