Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
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911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
💻🤡
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while